What i feel about man 🤔

I’m not trying to say that what i’m going to write is actually what all girls feel. It’s just me and only me.

Of course not all man are trash but I just feel insecure and scared by just being around them. There’s a feeling that they always have something that cannot be trusted. I don’t know what influence me but I always have those negative thoughts about men and that prevent me from liking them.

If anyone ask me if I ever like someone or even have a crush, all I can say is no. I know it is a bit weird and some may say that I lied. You can say whatever you want. I don’t mind because you don’t know me but I do. I used to hate myself and always felt insecure with people around me and I still do. Thank god that I have my parents and some friends that really help me to find myself and appreciate what I have so  that I can move on with this life.

I don’t have any dark past regarding men except one and I really don’t think that really affect me but it turns out, that thing gives a deep scar.

I’m  afraid that they are not honest. I’m not trying to say that girls are always right and honest but yeah most of them are just not trustworthy. What they said is not the same as what they do. I know I sound really bad here but I think I really need someone to change this perspective of mine.

Recently, I met someone that I really comfortable with. My friend said that she know why I’m being like that and I don’t even know why. I want to give him a chance but my old self just didn’t let me. I’m scared if I ever going to felt hurt or broken. Once is enough to feel hurt even it is not because of men. If he really did something, I don’t think I can go well with guys after this. I don’t know if I can just feel good about them ever again. There will be hate or anything and I don’t want that to happen.

One thing happened recently and I just felt even more scared and I don’t know what to feel and do. I’m trying and trying. I really hope you can understand me as I always asked you to wait. If you ever feel that you cannot take it, just tell me because I know and learnt that not everyone can accept me.

To you, I’m sorry. I’m just scared no matter how you trying to say don’t be scared. I’m trying to find the things that I love about you and accept you for who you are. I’m not asking much. Just become a guy that I can trust and lean on. I’m not someone that say I’m scared, jealous, sad, hurt, broken or whatever to someone. I will just cry by myself and trying to forgive that person the next day without even care how much or deep my scar is.

Love me honestly please because just like that I can see how much valuable I am to you. :)

Hi! The thing i want to share today required you guys to think deep or maybe not..

     Its hard to stop when you're addicted to it. One moment you start you can’t stop and another moment you stop your head can’t stop thinking about it. Arggghhh... I hate it but how. People always say that everything comes from inside. You yourself... but howcome when we just cant. Its hard and too hard. I just cant but i want to. Someone told me that no one cant help you but YOU. Pray alot. Hmmm... how to ask for his forgiveness when you, yourself don’t stop. Its embarassing and its like you're playing with your words and most importantly you're playing with HIM. will he forgive me or i will always be in this state.. full of sin?